Seriously, Call a General Election!

I'm still angry. I finally had to put my Vote Remain t-shirt in the wash because it was starting to grow its own ecosystem, but the anger still hasn't faded.

And, yes, I'm still angry about the future.

David Cameron still hasn't called a general election. We will end up with a prime minister we did not elect (the blah blah blah is here). And just like Boris the Clown and David Hameron, they won't leave until they've had the chance to personally defecate all over every single last one of us...

Let's look at the possibilities...

Theresa May
Education: BA in Geography from Oxford
Real-world experience: Worked in the financial services sector for 18 years, much of that as an International Affairs Advisor
Political experience: Local council for 8 years; MP for 19 years; Shadow Minister for This, That, and the Other; Home Secretary for 6 years
Notable talents: Able to kill a yak from 200 yards away — with mind bullets
Position on the EU: Quietly (and some might say not entirely convincingly) Remain
Pros: Economic background, broad experience of portfolios, dogged determination
Cons: Utterly unlikeable, doesn't believe humans should have rights, wants to kill all foreigners on sight, doesn't believe anyone other than herself should have any privacy, hates refugees, has no soul

Michael Gove 
Sarah Vine
Education: Some kind of degree in something from Oxford
Education: None
Real-world experience: So-called Journalist
Real-world experience: So-called Journalist
Political experience: MP for 11 years; Failed Secretary of State for Education; Secretary of State for Justice for 1 year
Political experience: None
Position on the EU: Remember that bus?
Position on the EU: Ardently, vocally Leave
Notable talents: Can pass for human (from a distance)
Notable talents: Highly skilled ventriloquist
Pros: Apparently not awful as Justice Secretary
Pros: None
Cons: War-monger, sworn enemy of the NHS, doesn't believe in education, doesn't see the value of experts, unable to do basic sums, proponent of capital punishment, must be manually operated, has no soul
Cons: Doesn't believe in privacy — especially her own, eats immigrants for breakfast, has no soul

Andrea Leadsom
Education: BA in Political Science from Warwick
Real-world experience: Worked in the financial services sector for 16 years
Political experience: Local council for 4 years; MP for either 6 or 11 years; Economic Secretary to the Treasury for 1 year, Minister of State at the Department for Energy and Climate Change
Notable talents: Able to withstand overwhelming evidence of the realities of climate change in order to remain wilfully blind
Position on the EU: Ardently Leave
Pros: Economic background, ability to cut through mountains of red tape to uncover facts
Cons: Willingness to screw the little guy to suit herself, largely unknown, next to know experience, has no soul

Stephen Crabb
Education: BA in Politics from Bristol, MBA from LBS
Real-world experience: Worked in various volunteer an Tory party office jobs
Political experience: MP for 11 years; Junior Minister for Wales (which sounds like a take-your-kids-to-work thing); Secretary of State for Wales for 2 years, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions for 3.5 minutes
Notable talents: Most likely to win an award for best David Brent impression
Position on the EU: Remain
Pros: Did you know he grew up on a council estate? (What the hell, right? It worked for Sadiq Khan.) May be able to relate to the non-political classes? May have a soul, but it's not exactly sparkling.
Cons: Dislikes disabled people and gays (Question: Do two strikes multiply or add? What would he make of a gay disabled person?)

Ugh.

I need a shower after writing that.


In the name of all that is holy, David Cameron, you shiny ham, CALL A GENERAL ELECTION!